Wednesday, December 7, 2022

MLB Star Power Index: Braves mascot teaches kids important lesson; an award for Jesús Aguilar

Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index — a bi-weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players/baseball entities are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one’s presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this edition’s honorees …

Blooper, mascot of the Atlanta Braves

It is axiomatic in this space that human children are a burdensome scourge. By extension, if the homo sapien species were meant to be a viable and lasting presence on earth then the machinery of evolution would’ve seen to it that human children were easy to raise and not the titan’s freight that they are in reality. 

We are, however, not without recourse. The only means we have to remake human children into something acceptable to society at large is to deconstruct them and then re-forge them in the cauldron of sanctioned sports violence. 

This brings us to Atlanta Braves mascot Blooper. Blooper was previously honored in these pages on account of his soaring nudity. Now, though, he numbers among the gods because he’s teaching the next generation to sit down and be quiet until you move out of the house. Learn from this: 

Tiny boats? They would do well to stay near the shore. Similarly, children who pretend to play football should stand aside when the Braves’ bell-cow running back is plying his trade. The only benefit to getting his way is that you will be made into a better person by dint of the pain and suffering. As such, these lit-up children owe Blooper a hefty percentage of their future earnings. 

The most important foundational principle is that work-related obligations are to be minimized or ideally avoided altogether so long as the consequences of said minimization or wholesale avoidance fall solely upon the Tapeworms of Capital and not fellow members of one’s guild. This is not done in the name of indolence – although indolence, as virtues go, is a perfectly fine animating life force. Rather, the canny laborist avoids that root word – i.e., “labor” – so that the finite hours of one’s lifespan may be devoted to more righteous pursuits like video games, color television, naps, the procurement and administration of mind-altering substances, reheating pizza in the sun, and recreations of iconic moments from the history of professional wrestling. When wage work interferes with the hallowed, then work must recede from our path as though commanded by Moses himself.

In baseball, some laudable souls understand this. In order to praise them like we should, we have often feted their non-efforts by placing upon their honorable noggins the golden laurel wreath of the Wild Boar in Haifa Taking a Nap After Eating All the Garbage: 

And, in the service of advancing the word count to within range of the minimum allowable, here’s an embossed recounting of prior Honorary Wild Boars in Haifa Taking Naps After Eating All the Garbage: 

Spoiler: We come not to add to this holy ledger but rather to begin a new one – one parallel in spirit and ethos. Behold while reposed in a backyard hammock as that pizza warms up while positioned on your torso: 

While we don’t advocate going to such a bother to defend one’s own honor, we do heap praise upon the idea of lying down for marathon stretches of time in order to restore oneself for additional color television. 

In any event, often those in the award-granting business find a worthy candidate first and then concoct some kind of medallion or handsome gold gong to give that person. Here, however, the honor comes first, and then we do the honest work of picking out the first honoree that wanders our way. When it comes to our first winner of Montenegro’s 12th Annual Lying Down Champion, we have lounged our way to Jesús Aguilar. 

Let’s go back to July 17 of this year, when Aguilar was a member of the Miami Marlins. Please admire what happened at the conclusion of Aguilar’s first plate appearance of the day: 


All hosannas upon Jesús Aguilar because our hero got himself ejected — italics for fitting emphasis forthcoming — in the second inning of the final game before the All-Star break

Let us assume after being given the ho of heaves he sprinted in full uniform to the dugout, up the tunnel, through the clubhouse, and into his idling vehicle in the players’ parking lot. Thereupon he sped to the airport, vaulted through TSA precheck, executed a pop-up slide into the plane just before cabin doors were sealed, and took his first sip of a beach cocktail at an all-inclusive resort before the Phillies completed their 4-0 shutout win over his mates. Proper decision-making yields proper living. 

For his efforts and the inner gallantry that made them possible, Jesús Aguilar – Monsieur Aguilar – is our inaugural Montenegro’s 12th Annual Lying Down Champion. Is it possible to genuflect from bed? Please do find out at this time. 

At this point you might be wondering: What distinguishes the Wild Boar in Haifa Taking a Nap After Eating All the Garbage from Montenegro’s 12th Annual Lying Down Champion? Not sure, trying to relax over here.

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